Finally, 2020 is almost over, and I say good riddance to this dumpster fire. This was definitely the worst year ever because, in early March, I fell into a cave while hiking and have spent the past ten months trapped down here with no access to the outside world.
The year got off to a decent enough start, I guess. I had a great time watching the Super Bowl with my friends, and my girlfriend and I went on a really nice date on Valentine’s Day. But ever since I got separated from my outdoorsmen group during our March 1st hike along the Appalachian Trail and wound up trapped in this cave, 2020 has been nothing but a string of disappointments.
When I think about all the fun stuff that I had planned for the year—all of which getting stuck in this cave made me miss out on—it drives me crazy. A European vacation with my girlfriend, four weddings, three bachelor parties, opening-day tickets for the Washington Nationals with my dad—I didn’t get to do a single one of those things, and it’s left me feeling as bitter as the aftertaste of all the bats I’ve been eating down here to survive.
And, hey, forget about social events for a second—2020 was supposed to be a banner year for my career, too! Right before this stupid hiking trip, I’d finally convinced my boss at the cruise line to meet with me so I could pitch him my idea for reorganizing the cabins on our ships to fit twice as many people on board, and I just knew he was going to love it. He probably would have even given me a promotion!
It’s tough to describe how boring and repetitive my life is down here. Every day is the same—I wake up, eat some bats, walk around looking for a way out, and go back to sleep. All of life’s simple pleasures are gone. I can’t go grab a drink at a bar; I can’t get a haircut; I can’t check on how all those airline stocks that I bought in February are doing; I can’t even see other people! It’s terrible.
That’s why the first thing I’m going to do if I ever get out of this cave is hold a massive party at my place for all my friends and family members, where we can just celebrate life. Granted, my home isn’t that big, so we’ll be packed in pretty tight, but it will be more than worth it to see all their smiling faces again for the first time in almost a year.
I’m referring to seeing their entire faces, by the way, not just the top halves. But I guess that goes without saying. It’s not like it’s normal to walk around seeing only the top halves of people’s faces. What a crazy world that would be!
Honestly, the only thing that’s been keeping me going during all of this has been knowing how many great stories everyone will have for me, if I ever figure out how to escape. I can’t wait to hear about how much fun all those weddings, vacations, and parties were—plus a whole bunch of other events that I probably don’t even know about! It’s been almost a year already, so I’m sure everyone has a ton of stuff to recap for me.
Hang on a second. What’s that? Is that . . . is that a small beam of sunlight? I think it is! At last, a way out of the cave! Look out, world—I am coming back with a brand-new appreciation for living, a ton of bats (for which I’ve acquired an insatiable appetite), and a nasty cough! Bring on 2021!
